# Complimenting weight loss and 'you're looking well' - **Episode:** [175](https://agents.truthliesandwork.com/episodes/175.md) (2025-02-27) - **Type:** interview - **Tags:** compliments, weight-loss, ageism - **Time:** 18:02–22:36 (start 1082s) - **Listen:** [https://truthliesandwork.com/175?t=1082](https://truthliesandwork.com/175?t=1082) --- [18:02] Al Elliott: Okay. So, I've got another one. One of our older employees, again, I don't know why they need to say older. One of our employees, see, I'm learning [18:11] Enya Doyle: I'm learning [18:13] Al Elliott: One of our employees has lost significant weight and seems very proud of it. Is complimenting this inappropriate? And the context here, it says, I'm their manager [18:22] Enya Doyle: Compliments are an interesting one because there's been a lot of kind of research done recently, kind of straw polls of the population, and compliments are one of the things that everyone's like, bring back compliments, like make compliments great again kind of vibes. And the thing that I would generally say is if someone's proud of something and they're talking about it, then obviously you can engage in it. With a key caveat, which is you don't have to actually comment on their weight or how they look in order to do that. You can comment on how brilliant an achievement it is or how committed they've been to the process. You can be curious about how that happened of like, have you been following a particular plan? Do you think going to the gym has made the most difference? Or do you think it was about food? Without talking to them in any way about their compliment [19:14] Leanne Elliott: Yeah [19:15] Enya Doyle: their actual physical body. Again, irrespective of your gender identity or your sexual orientation, it doesn't really matter. There are ways to be like, I see you and I see how proud you are of your body and the changes that you've made to your lifestyle, without having to be like, hey Jenny, you look really sexy in that skirt now that you're 2 stone lighter. Like, okay, thanks, Al. Like, I appreciate that so much. Um, like it doesn't have to go super creepy, you know, there are plenty of ways for you to do it without being like, okay, that just happened [19:51] Al Elliott: So let's, let's, let's stick with this for just a second. One of the things that I started saying, um, when I see someone and they are looking really good is I used to say, oh, you look great. And then I realized that's got some slight connotations, particularly coming from an older male. So now I changed it and tell me if this is right or wrong. Please tell me if it's wrong. And I start saying, you're looking really well. Is that better or am I still in that weird territory? [20:17] Enya Doyle: It kind of brings you into a different weird territory, which is that some people lose weight for not brilliant reasons. And actually that might end up with them looking well or looking like they've lost weight. And you perhaps maybe make the assumption that they've intentionally done that. But actually it could be because of medication or it could be because of the stress or it could be because of whatever. The looking really well is pro— and this is definitely a personal thing. Like, I haven't been particularly well for a couple of years and as part of that, I have lost quite a lot of weight and people have said to me, you look really well. And I'm like, hahaha, that's adorable. Because it's well-intentioned, right? It's like, you look amazing. And I'm like, haha, I feel like shit. So, thanks. But I think that there's a kind of, again, there's a common sense part of this, which is that there are some people who will want you to compliment them, who are kind of begging you to say you look great. And in the scenario that you kind of initially outlined, this person's really proud of what they've done. For you to say you look really well is exactly the right response there. That's the conversation. They've started the conversation. They're happy to talk to you about it. They're being really open about their, the process. And you're then acknowledging the part of that, which is, yeah, you look really well. Like, I'm really proud of you. I'm really pleased for you. Um, rather than the kind of, a lot of this is the unwanted compliments that err really closely towards like catcalling or err really closely to that power dynamic being completely abused [21:58] Al Elliott: Yeah [21:58] Enya Doyle: Like, if she had never brought it up with you, and you just suddenly started a one-to-one meeting with her and were like, you look amazing. Like, okay, like, I might look amazing, but that is not for you to say [22:11] Al Elliott: So, I'm now going to slightly change again and be very much more mindful about whether I'm saying you're looking well. This is, this is great. Let's talk about inclusion for a second here. So, the question I've got here is, I want to insist older employees use our messaging system instead of face-to-face conversations in the office, but would this be an inclusion issue seeing as the majority of them prefer to walk over to a desk and have a chat rather than jump on Slack?