# Workplace Surgery #1: My ex is now my boss

- **Episode:** [180](https://agents.truthliesandwork.com/episodes/180.md) (2025-03-18)
- **Type:** workplace-surgery
- **Tags:** workplace-relationships, management, advice
- **Time:** 31:18–36:58 (start 1878s)
- **Listen:** [https://truthliesandwork.com/180?t=1878](https://truthliesandwork.com/180?t=1878)

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[31:18] Al Elliott: Fabulous. Okay, on to my favourite time of the week, which is the world-famous Weekly Workplace Surgery, where I put your questions to Leanne. You know this, Leanne's a Chartered Occupational Psychologist who's an expert in workplace culture, so she is the exactly right person you should be asking your questions to. If you've got a question yourself, check the show notes, write in, we'll feature it on next week's show or the week after. Obviously, it will be— you could be anonymous if you want to be. Okay, so question number 1. My ex is now my boss. I'm in a situation I thought I'd never— sorry, I'm in a situation I never thought possible. 3 years ago, I had a serious relationship with someone who worked in another department. The breakup wasn't great, but we managed to stay professional at company events. Yesterday, our department head announced they were leaving, and guess who's been promoted to replace them? Yep, my ex. They start next week, and I'll be directly reporting to someone who once told me I was emotionally unavailable and career obsessed. Oof. I'm good at my job. I'm terrified this history will affect my progression. Some colleagues know about our past relationships. The gossip has already started. I've considered asking for a transfer, but I've built relationships with our clients and I love my team. HR knows nothing about our history, and I'm not sure if I should tell them. I need this job. Sounds like you love this job too, but I'm dreading every upcoming one-to-one meeting. How do I handle this without torching my career or having to leave?
[32:42] Leanne Elliott: Awkward
[32:44] Al Elliott: Awkward. Very awkward
[32:45] Leanne Elliott: Oh, good God
[32:46] Al Elliott: Can you imagine having to work with your, with your ex or even your current spouse?
[32:49] Leanne Elliott: No
[32:50] Al Elliott: No, it must be a nightmare
[32:51] Leanne Elliott: Christ, no
[32:52] Al Elliott: Um, back to, back to this listener
[32:56] Leanne Elliott: Oh, I feel for you. I feel for you. I can, I can feel that stomach churn when you found this out. This is why you tell HR when you have a relationship in an organization, because things like this can transpire if people don't know. They don't know what they don't know. I would— this is what I would do, and it's going to be super awkward. Everything about this situation from this point onwards is going to be massively awkward. There is no getting away from that, so just suck it in. Um, the thing that I would first do, probably kind of salvage the situation— HR need to know about this. They need to know, even just as an FYI, and everything works out really great, they know that this dynamic is in place, so someone can check in with you, can check in with your new Boss, make sure everything's happy. Um, I would do this if you can with your ex. So I would be inclined to contact your ex-partner and say, this is awkward, I think we probably should make HR aware that this dynamic exists. I'm sure that we'll be fine. I have every intention of dealing with it professionally. You are my manager. I'm sure you have every intention of dealing it with dealing with it professionally, um, as you know, as, as my line manager. That said, I'm finding this situation really awkward and a bit weird, and I'd just like to put it on the radar of HR. I think we'd be better doing that together. What do you think? If this person says no, red flag number one. And if they do, go to HR, have this conversation, explain that, you know, at the time we didn't disclose it for various reasons. Bearing in mind that could be against company policy, so just do some research first and make sure you're not going to get yourself in trouble. Um, but have a conversation with an HR, um, rep that you trust and just kind of say, I don't want anything to be done about it, I just want to flag it, I just want to share it. So if anything happens in the future, you have this context in which to, to understand what's happening. And then I think you've just got to suck it in and see. Because it could be it's fine. It could be that everyone's moved on. You're going to stay professional. The gossips will stop when there's nothing to gossip about anymore. They see you and your ex are getting on well professionally and it's all fine. If it isn't fine, um, at least HR know and will understand the context. And I, I hate to say maybe start looking for another job because I really hope that you're both mature enough to manage this situation. You said it wasn't a particularly bad breakup
[35:31] Al Elliott: Yeah
[35:33] Leanne Elliott: Yes, there were some words said, but we all change over time. Maybe you were emotionally unavailable then, you know, and that's okay. Might not be the worst idea to just have a little look around, maybe brush up the old CV, just that normal career cushioning activities any, any sensible professional in this current job market climate would be doing anyway. Might not be a bad idea. So to summarize, call out the elephant in the room with your ex that this is really freaking awkward and you think you should go to HR. Go to HR, have this conversation with her. We don't want anything to be done. We just want to disclose that this happened in the past because of this new work relationship we're entering into and give you some context should anything occur in the future. And then maybe 3, just have a little look around should the worst happen
[36:16] Al Elliott: I think that's interesting advice because my thought immediately when reading this was like, oh, maybe you should go and talk to your ex, go and have— go out for a coffee and talk to them. And I realize now that actually In the context of what you just said, that's probably not a good idea at all. Um, you need to make it a bit more formal. But also, I don't know. I mean, as, as Leanne said, things have changed. There's people— when you do split with someone, you do quite often say things that either you don't necessarily believe or you believed strongly at the time and you no longer believe. Everything could be absolutely fine. I think my only advice is, uh, is don't rekindle this. If you get the opportunity, if you've got a one-to-one, In the office and the blinds are shut and the door's locked. Yeah, leave that alone, I think