# Apologising too much: how to stop and multi-generational communication

- **Episode:** [205](https://agents.truthliesandwork.com/episodes/205.md) (2025-06-12)
- **Type:** interview
- **Tags:** apologizing, gender, multi-generational
- **Time:** 29:17–42:36 (start 1757s)
- **Listen:** [https://truthliesandwork.com/205?t=1757](https://truthliesandwork.com/205?t=1757)

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[29:17] Cheryl Robinson: It irks me when women constantly apologize, and there are some men who feel the need to constantly apologize, but it's mainly women
[29:34] Leanne Elliott: Self-confidence
[29:35] Cheryl Robinson: Yes, I believe a big part is developed. I believe a big part is also your personality. And when, since how many generations now are in the workforce, 4 or 5 now at this point, when you have the boomers and do you call that an The boomers in the UK? You do. Okay. So first time I heard boomer, I go, what are you talking about? But when you have the boomers and especially women, and I've worked with the older generation, the women constantly apologize because that's how they were brought up. And I'm that Gen F, I'm that And that bridge gap that they have of Gen X and millennials. So I have learned, I used to apologize all the time too, until someone pulled me aside in my mid-20s and said, stop saying you're sorry. There's nothing to be sorry about. It happened. You'll fix it. Move on. And that really stuck with me. So with the younger generations, they like to come off confident, and some of them I think really are confident. The others I don't think know how to navigate it. And I also think it's how you, how you're brought up too, and what kind of work experience you have. But apologizing in the workplace
[31:15] Leanne Elliott: Yeah
[31:17] Cheryl Robinson: And that totally discredits your leadership. All you have to say is, I apologize for this, or this happened, here's how I'm fixing it, and you move on. We're all human, and when we can accept that, why are we apologizing for being human? No human is perfect. And when I mentor younger people, that's what I say. Stop saying you're sorry. You're human. Shit happens. We've all been there. Move on
[31:57] Al Elliott: What I've noticed a lot of people are saying things like, they might come up and say, Cheryl, sorry, just a quick one. That, is that undermining or is that okay? Because it's just, that's just the way we talk
[32:08] Cheryl Robinson: Part of it is how we talk. If you're trying to be intentional and change your habit, so the Brits, maybe for generations and generations, that's saying sorry, even if you're not the one that did anything. I believe everything is based in habit, but first you have to be intentional about the new habit
[32:33] Leanne Elliott: Mm-hmm
[32:34] Cheryl Robinson: So there are people who you realize they're busy. You don't want to bother them. Instead of saying, I'm sorry, can you help me with this? Because then it's like, oh, another interruption. You can go up to them and say, I know you're busy. When you have a moment, can you look at this? It takes the pressure off
[33:00] Al Elliott: Yeah
[33:01] Cheryl Robinson: So as soon as, one, as soon as you say you're sorry, you come across as weak. 2, now you feel bad for that person and you're like, okay, now I got to drop what I'm doing and I'm going to have to help them with this. But if that person came to you saying, I know you're busy, one, you're validating that other person. You're saying, I understand. I'm right there with you. I need help when you have a second. So it's not urgent, but I do need help with this. So when you can, and it takes down that wall, if you will, that is put up
[33:42] Al Elliott: I want to talk, continue if I can, to this generational, multi-generational challenge. We had a couple of questions on the Workplace Surgery around this. And for those who've not heard, the Workplace Surgery is basically where people People write in, ask questions. I put them to Leanne, and Leanne is a psychologist, replies. And one of them was around the idea that they've got 2 or 3 sort of, they call them Gen Zers. I'm guessing they were sort of like early 20s. And then the majority of the workforce was sort of around about their sort of 40s, 50s, 60s. What these Gen Zers were doing were on group chat saying things like bet, um, cap, you know, all these sort of words that Gen Zers use all the time. And the older people in the office were getting annoyed going, just, can you not just speak English? But the problem and the question I want to put to you is, who's at fault here? Should Gen Z be using the language of us older people? Should we be adapting to the new language? How do we navigate this? This is tough
[34:40] Cheryl Robinson: It is tough. I don't think that there is a right answer. There could be a good answer. And that is being self-aware, knowing if you're in a Slack channel with the whole company or team, and you know that the ages range, just be professional. When you're in a side Slack channel or WhatsApp group, and you know the people are your age or your counterparts, Yeah, that's fine. And even the older generations say things where the younger generations go, what does this mean? And it's so ingrained in our vocabulary and how we talk. You have to be self-aware, and that is what's lacking at all levels of the company is self-awareness. So the good answer for that is just be self-aware. And if you're in a large group chat, just talk professionally. You know, I, I have younger cousins. I go, what does no cap mean? What does spill the tea mean? You know, it's so out of the loop. But I would never, I, I, I don't even use the lingo from my era. When I know who I'm talking to or who's in that group chat. And that's what people have to be aware about
[36:17] Al Elliott: If we're told to bring our whole selves to work and then we're having to adapt to talk to different people, that feels like they're two sides of a coin
[36:25] Cheryl Robinson: Bringing your whole self to work does mean that you're self-aware and professional. People Misconstrue what that means. Your whole self. Your whole self coming to work. Yeah, you could talk about your kids, your family, but if you're bringing your whole self, do you talk about your financial issues? Do you talk about the fight that you had with your best friend from grade school? Maybe, maybe to a few people. But not to everybody. So you're monitoring what you are saying or what you are sharing. So I think that lingo, that professionalism, that is part of your whole self. And you should monitor that because you're, you are monitoring everything else. Do you come to work letting everyone know in the company that, you know, for a woman, oh, I got my period, my cramps are horrible, I don't think I'm going to get this project done. No, you're, you're definitely not doing that. So if you're not doing that, you should be able to control how you speak and understand, intentionally use words that everyone understands
[37:52] Al Elliott: Do you want to talk about emojis for a second? Is it cringe for someone older to use emojis, assuming they're using the right ones? Is it cringe for them to use them in text messages?
[38:02] Cheryl Robinson: When emails and text, you lose tone of voice. You lose the, how the person says it and where you can hear their intentions, whether it's a joke or whether they're serious. And there's companies out there that tell people you must use emojis. In your emails, in your email messaging
[38:31] Leanne Elliott: Yep
[38:31] Cheryl Robinson: I'm not going to say which ones. They're very, very big brands, but it's because so many leaders would message someone and the team member would be very upset because they thought they were, the leader was mad at them or offensive or whatever the case may be is because we can't see their facial expressions. We can't hear their tones. So the— they have to use emojis within their messaging so that people understand where they're coming from. And I think it's fabulous
[39:16] Al Elliott: Dr. Albert Morabian's
[39:22] Cheryl Robinson: He has the 70-38-55 principle rule where your message, 7% of your message is words, 38% is your voice and your tone, and 55% of your message is perceived by your body language. And when you're just talking about email or text, Slack messages, you lose all of that. All you have left is that 7%, which is your words. So I think emojis is really good at helping get that message across
[40:03] Leanne Elliott: Great leaders use something called contextual code switching. It's where we adapt our communication to the audience we're speaking to. And you do it all the time too, whether you realize it or not. The way you talk to your boss is different from the way you talk to your colleague or your best mate or your nan. That is contextual code switching, and great leaders use it intentionally. It's not about being fake. It's a sign of emotional intelligence and genuine respect, because the best leaders don't just want to be heard, they want to be understood
[40:34] Al Elliott: I remember Dr. Cheryl's rules about meeting. They're not about efficiency necessarily. They're about respect. When you protect people's time, they trust your leadership
[40:43] Leanne Elliott: And this breeds reciprocity. When somebody respects your time, you're more likely to respect their authority. It's a fundamental principle of influence. Really, everything Dr. Cheryl has taught us comes down to one principle: authority comes from making other people's lives easier, not from impressing them with overcomplicated vocabulary
[41:03] Al Elliott: You can, of course, find Dr. Cheryl on LinkedIn. Just search for Cheryl Robinson. And if you stick Forbes at the end of your search, She'll be the first one that comes up. You can also go to drcherylrobinson.com where there's much more information about her. Let's just rejoin Dr. Cheryl for some final thoughts. If there was one thing that you wanted listeners to take away from this, just one change they could make, can you think of one?
[41:26] Cheryl Robinson: Be intentional with your words. Practice with a team member, practice with your partner, friend, parent, Be intentional. Take that pause before responding quickly. Take the pause, say, what am I trying to get across? What words and tone, facial expressions is going to get me there? Even if you have to use an emoji
[41:54] Leanne Elliott: And that's a point. Great communication isn't about sounding impressive or using all the buzzwords. It's about being intentional with your words so that other people feel valued and heard
[42:05] Al Elliott: So if you're a manager or a leader, ask yourself this: when was the last time you sat in a meeting and you really listened instead of just waiting for your turn to speak? And when you did speak, did you use words to be helpful or to make yourself look impressive?
[42:18] Leanne Elliott: Because that's how authority is really built, not with impressive phrases or corporate jargon, but with respect. And respect is earned one conversation at a time
[42:29] Al Elliott: This is Truth, Lies and Work. Work. We'll see you next week
[42:31] Cheryl Robinson: Thank you